Before: You take my breath away.
After: I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before: She says she loves the way I take control of the situation.
After: She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

Before: Lucy and Ricky.
After: Fred and Ethel.

Before: Saturday Night Fever.
After: Monday Night Football.

Before: He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After: If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before: Don't stop.
After: Don't start.

Before: The Sound of Music
After: The Sound of Silence

Before: Is that all you're having?
After: Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before: Wheel of Fortune.
After: Jeopardy.

Before: Its like I'm in a dream.
After: Its like he's in a dorm.

Before: $60/dozen.
After: $1.50/stem.

Before: Turbo charged.
After: Jump-start.

Before: We agree on everything!
After: Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before: Charming and Noble.
After: Chernobyl.

Before: Idol
After: Idle

Before: I love a woman with curves.
After: I never said you were fat.

Before: He's completely lost without me.
After: Why won't he ever ask for directions?

Before: Time stood still.
After: This relationship is going nowhere.

Before: Croissant and cappuccino.
After: Bagel and instant.

Before: Blind
After: Nearsighted

Before: You look so seductive in black.
After: Your clothes are so depressing.

Before: Iambic Pentameter.
After: Blank Verse.

Before: Oysters
After: Fishsticks

Before: I can hardly believe we found each other.
After: I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

Before: Passion
After: Ration